life after pof ... treading water

2 month ago I was at work, on a break with my friend. We were out getting some fresh air when this guy approached us.  He came out of nowhere, and decided to spark up a conversation with us. He then told me he found me very attractive and wanted to take me out for coffee… flattery served him well.  I agreed to it.  If for nothing more than the balls of steel he had for coming up to us like that. Not to mention he was definately good looking, and taller than me.

So the next day we agreed to meet for coffee after I was done work.  (Yes, he knew where I worked… bad news.  And he lived right accross the street). Our little coffee date only lasted just over an hour because we both had places we had to be. And it went surprisingly well. So he wanted to take me on a ‘real’ date.  The very next night we went for drinks downtown.  He came to my house and we walked to a cute little mexican place down the street.  Warning signals started flaring right away.  The second he saw me he wanted to hug me and kiss me like we had been together months… awkward. Then when we were walking down the street he insisted on taking a picture of us on his camera… only his phone’s camera was apparently really shit, so it ended up being blurry.  He literally made me stand with him on the sidewalk and take about 8 pictures while traffic is going by and ppl are trying to pass by.  I was horrified. When we got to the bar, he did something that stood out to me as well.  The waiter led us to the patio, which was out back, and to a table.  My date was walking behind me, but insisted on pointing out the chair that he wanted me to sit in.  The only chair that faced the fence, and couldn’t see anything on the surrounding patio.  Weird?  Just a little. So we had a drink, and he got right down to business. Asked me when my parents were next coming to Toronto, when he could meet them, if he could help me move. He also told me he wanted me to stop dating anyone that I had on the side because HE felt serious about where he wanted things to go with me…   all on a 2nd date within 4 hours of knowing me.  I started panicking a little, but I knew I had no choice but to see the date through.  He then wanted to go to a different bar.  So we did, and we sat right up at the bar with about 10 other men.  The whole time he was pawing at me, touching my hair, kissing my shoulders… it was enough to make me puke everywhere. Now it was time to go. As we were walking back to his car, he said that he wanted to tell me something.  He said that he felt like he wanted to be honest; that he didn’t want any secrets between us.  Ohhhh great.  So he asked me to go with him to his car where he had something he wanted to show me. Me, being too curious for my own good, just HAD to go along with it.  So we get to his car, he opens up the trunk, I step back a few.  I’m thinking he’s going to try to kidnap me or something crazy at this point!  But inside his trunk are three boxes.  He gets all serious on me.  Pulls the first box out and opens it.  There are clothes in it. He asks me what I thought it was.  I state the obvious, and he says:  it’s a police uniform, Sarah.  My first thought goes straight to MAFIA KILLER…. I watch too many movies.  He pulls out the second box, more clothes,  and he asks me again… which I respond the same way to.  He then says: it’s a firefighter uniform, Sarah…. Now I’m thinking: WHAT HAVE I GOTTEN MYSELF INTO!?  But I still didn’t get the correlation.  He pulls out the third box, and inside is a smaller pizza box.  And he gets really dramatic and says : And that, Sarah, is a pizza box.  I immediately start thinking he’s crazy and extremely weird,  when he looks at me, with a straight face and says:

SARAH. IM A STRIPPER.

Awesome.  I just stood there and looked at him being so serious.  A little smirk worked it’s way onto my face… and then I just started howling with laughter. I couldn’t control myself.  Awkard/uncomfortable situations make me laugh hysterically.  He was pissed. He proceeded to tell me exactly why he had to strip, and that he hated it… oh, but he didn’t leave out:  it’s not my fault if I have a beautiful body and a huge cock. Yep. He said it.  And I apologize for those of you that had to read that. So needless to say I never saw him again, although he kept coming itno my work… and calling me.  Until I moved, then he got the picture.

Isn’t there some song out there about falling for a stripper.  ew.  Well, I’ve been out with one… bet you can’t beat that!

When I lived overseas, I made friends with all types.  Literally. All. Types.  One guy I met was really into the music scene. He DJd at a bar I frequented, and then some hole in the wall clubs that I learned about.  He ended up being a great friend to me. I went through some trying times with living situations and work and he was always there to meet up for a drink and let off some steam.  We talked about a bunch of nonsense, but it was really a chance to just hang out with a normal dude that spoke english.  Never once did any other thoughts cross my mind regarding our friendship, or moving it somewhere forward. I was pretty comfortable with just keeping on.  So one night we met up for drinks, and went to some dive bar that played crazy good music.  We sat, I drank, we talked.  I had fun, as per usual.  Then, he walked me to the subway… when we got to the gate, he went to give me a hug—- which was odd —- but whatever, I went with it… only to find him coming in hard for a kiss too. WHOAAAAAAA.  My senses were a little thrown from how much I had had to drink, and so he did manage to slap one right on the lips.  I felt like I was in slow motion, turning my face out of it… but I managed.  Then I stepped back and just looked at him.  Most Awkward Award goes to: ME.  I didn’t even know what to say in that situation:  “Well thanks for kissing me, friend. NOW YOU’VE RUINED EVERYTHING” haha. But actually.  So I literally looked at him, said:  that can never happen again.  Turned and walked through the gates to the subway.  I remember feeling like I just had to escape… the kiss felt soooo wrong. 

So when I got home, he sent me a message apologizing for being so forward. Blah blah… hoping that I thought of him in that kind of ‘boyfriend’ way…. Yep, because that’s clearly the way I had felt, and showed him that I felt…. um. No.   So I sent the obvious, I would rather not ruin the friendship we have message.  But things can never go back.  So I basically avoided him… opting for the mature, high road.  Then one night I run into him at a club. This was maybe a month after all of that happened, and he was DJing.  I had some tequila in the bloodstream, so I felt more comfortable talking to him. Anyways, he ended up txting me all night, but nothing weird.  So I felt like we were back on friendship track.  Later that night, I got home… possibly smashed.  I remember sitting on my bed, about to pass out when my phone rings and it’s an unknown number. I answered, obviously.  On the other end of the phone is a Japanese woman asking me who I am.  WHAT THE?!  I was like, WAIT A MINUTE:  WHO THE F ARE YOU!? YOU CALLED ME!!!!  (and it was rare, but she could spit out some broken english).  She then informed me that she was my friend’s WIFE (never once mentioned her to me) and she saw on her HUSBAND’S phone that he had been txting me all night and she wanted to know if I was sleeping with him.  She then proceeded to yell at me that he had an INFANT AT HOME TOO!!!  bbbbbbbbbbbbaaaaaahahahhahahahahha.  Soap Opera styles.  I was far too intoxicated for this kind of drama at that point, so I calmly informed her that her HUSBAND had indeed tried to kiss me, and I’m sure he would have tried to sleep with me had he gotten past the kiss… BUT I shot him down.  Oh and I told her that he never told me he had a wife or a kid, but we were JUST friends.  She starting spitting out that he has all these whores he cheats on her with, and she thought I was one of them. Awesome.  As she’s talking, I hear someone come into the room and start yelling at her.  It was a man’s voice. Next thing I know the phone cuts off.  I’m drunk. Now I’m thinking there’s some serious abuse going down and I can’t speak Japanese. Do they even have 911 there!?  I had no idea.  So I just put my phone down and laid down.  Next thing I know it’s ringing again. Now it’s my ‘friend.’  He called to APOLOGIZE for what had just happened.  I lost it on him.  Screamed in his ear a bunch of awesomely horrifying things, told him to never contact me again/ die.  And that was the last I ever heard of him.  NOT… he sent me some pathetic messages here and there, but I cut him loose!!  GOOD DAY SIR.

Before I moved from my last place, Becca and I were sitting on the balcony having some post-work drinks. We were chatting about the days events and whatnot.  Next thing I know, my neighbour comes onto his balcony that’s the same height as ours, maybe 50 ft away, in his towel to hang out some laundry.  Now, don’t get too ahead of yourself… he was not attractive.  Mid to late 30s, east indian, dirty handlebar mustache, pot belly…. the works.  So he’s hangin out some laundry and I inform Becca of his presence. We were both equally grossed out and had a little snicker about it. He noticed us sitting there, and went back into his place. Becca went inside to get some music for us to listen to and as I sat there, our neighbour came back onto the balcony. This time he came over to the edge and faced me. He had this uuuuber creepy smile on his face and as I watched him, he OPENED up his TOWEL and proceeded to flop his disgusting WANGER in my face!!!!  I was HORRRRRIFIED.  I just didn’t even know what to do. All I saw was mass hair and shut my eyes. I opened our balcony door and yelled at Becca that our disgusting neighbour had just FLASHED me.  She was stunned. Immediately she started laughing hysterically at my traumatized expression.  I was shaken.  She came out onto the balcony and we discussed the incident. Our neighbour decided to then come back on the balcony fully clothed pretending to be on his phone. Becca yelled at him something along the lines of : YOU’RE A DISGUSTING PERVERT!!!!  And he only smiled over at us, waved, and blew some kisses in our direction. I had had enough. We called the cops. Yes. Yes we did.  So the police stopped by about an hour later to fill in an incident report. They went looking for the guy next door, but he had literally left 5 minutes before they showed up.  UGGGHHHHH.  So yes, now I’ve been flashed too. Life continues to get interesting.

As I was waiting on the platform last week for my subway to arrive, I noticed a tall, dark and handsome individual. From where I was standing I couldn’t really see his face as he was being blocked by some people. I boarded the car, and to my complete horror I realized that tall, dark and handsome was Mr. VEGAN!!!! Oh man, now the problems of run-ins starts.  I avoided all eye contact and practically ran out of there at my stop. Ugh. That’s all.

Last weekend I went out with some girlfriends of mine.  We didn’t really know where to go, and just kind of let the night happen.  Sometimes these kinds of things work out well… maybe not in this case. The night starts off on the right foot with a thorough assault from the security woman at the club.  We knew each other extremely well by the end of it all. Let’s just completely skip the DISASTER from inside the bar. ugh.  Fast fwd to the end of the night where things hit an all time low.  We were all waiting for the streetcar.  The girls were heading up to Scarlem, so I got sick of waiting in the -100 degree weather and told them I was gonna jump a cab.  But, I was on Queen, downtown, so I thought…. hey I’m just gonna walk up a few blocks to save some extra coin on fare… It’s a well-lit area, pretty busy… and tons of cabs if anything was going to happen. Right? hmmm.  I was about 5 minutes up the street, maybe 2 city blocks when a car pulls up beside me and there’s a guy saying something out the window to me. I didn’t even look over. Just kept walking.  Well, he stopped his car. Parked it. Turned it off. And came after me down the sidewalk, shouting ‘hey, hold up a second.’ So I turned around to see who I would be facing… scared that he was going to attack me.  He catches up and says ‘what’s up?’ I literally looked at him blankly and said, I’m cold, I dont have time to talk to creeps that shout from their cars. Well, he insisted that he wasn’t a ‘creep’ and that he just wanted to take a minute of my time… to hopefully give me a RIDE HOME!?!?!  Are you FUCKING KIDDING ME!!?  I laughed in his face.  I asked him if he was completely fucking insane?  He was perplexed. I had to outline for him why exactly it would be insane for me to get into a car with him and drive ANYWHERE, let alone MY HOUSE! wow. I mean he was cute, I’ll give him that much anyways… So I agreed to maybe give him my number.  Now’s where it gets interesting.  He asked me if I had a PEN.  Um, why exactly would I have a pen!? is this 1950? So I laughed, and literally said as much… followed by, ‘don’t you just have a phone?’  He replied, ’ yeah, I have one, but it’s not working ’ …. why, right? he says …. ’ GIRLFRIEND ISSUES ‘  ahem, EXCUSE ME!? GIRLFRIEND issues!? and basically he then says,  yeah, I have a girlfriend… BUT, she’s BI and would TOTALLY BE INTO YOU. 

WHAT  THE  F#$%

I couldn’t honestly believe the shit that I had just heard out of this guy.  What is this, go fetch the prey for mama!?  I just laughed in his face, turned and walked away.  He didn’t get it.  Why wasn’t I interested?  He just didn’t know? I told him where to go, and just kept on.  He jumped in his car, came down the street with his window open, yelling at me to just hear him out.  It looked like I was some blonde shacked up with a brother and we were in some serious arguement and he was tryin to get me back into this car. I was mortified.  The traffic built up behind him and he couldn’t stay so he drove up and turned at the next street on my side and parked his car. I jumped in the first cab I could get. I yelled at the cab driver to ’ TURN THE LIGHT OFF ‘  lol… he was so nervous, he thought I was a fugitive or something. We drove by the street where he had parked, only for me to see him out on the sidwalk looking around for me. PSYCHO!  ahhhh at least I made it home safe and sound!

Menage Trois?  I think NOT.

Older hasn’t worked, so lets try younger. Again.

A few weeks ago I went out for a random night out. While waiting outside the bar (having a dirrrty ciggy) on the patio, a guy comes up to me.  His friends and him were all trying to get into the pub, but the lineup was too crazy, so odds weren’t in their favour. He proceeded to spark up a charming little chat with me. Followed by, ‘Can I have your number?’ Sure, why not?  I literally didn’t know anything about this guy…. except we had determined he was quite the Jenga player. Ok. So I gave him the digits.  The next day, I heard from him. He seemed sweet, funny, innocent *red flag, red flag*  He asked me to meet up with him at Starbucks… the text was as follows:  “Starbucks. 4pm. Type 1 for yes, 2 for DEFINATELY” How could you resist?  Well, first, I had to know how old he was. So I asked.  I didn’t get an answer I anticipated.  22.  Yep. 3 years younger than me. Mama’s on the prowl.  I was horrified. Now what do I do?  Do I go? Do I just say, nah?  Well, it was just coffee, right?  So I went.  I actually had a lot of fun with him. He was hilarious, bold, confident…. surprising for a kid. 

Things were going well, so we went and saw a movie after the coffee.  Bad idea.  Movies= bold moves.  Midway through the movie he got the courage to ‘try’ to kiss me. ugh.  I was taken aback. It was horrible. He tried again. I just couldn’t deal with it. I looked at him and point blank asked: Are you a virgin?  To which a shocked look came across his face and an offended ‘NO’ was answered.  He then asked me why?  I simply said: Because you kiss like one. Yes. I did say that.  And, under normal circumstances I never would have had enough nerve to say it, but because he was so cocky, and so young, I knew he’d get over it.  He laughed, and said that he’d be willing to learn if I was willing to teach him. Wow, now there’s a turn on.  So I went home, didn’t have intentions of seeing him again. But he badgered. And didn’t let up, and he was just so damn funny. It’ll get me everytime.  So I agreed to go out with him again. Ugh.  He suggested skating because he knows I’m a big fan. 

So the day was set, and I show up with my skates.  He then says he doesn’t want to go skating. WHAT!?  Yep, he didn’t want to skate. And to make matters worse, it was like having an argument with a child. He was whining. So I asked him what he wanted to do instead. He had a KILLER idea:  let’s go walk around the MALL!!!!  because THAT sounds like a great time, right!?  ARE YOU KIDDING ME???  I just looked at him blankly. I then told him if he wanted to go mall-rat it out, that would be fine, but I was going skating.  Then he said that he had wanted to go skating the whole time, and he was just joking. UGHHHHHHH!!!!!  I was over it.  The whole thing was awkward. He was a horrible skater. I felt like I was babysitting. Then, I made up some excuse to cut things short. When I was taking off my skates, he decided to give the kiss a second round. I was bent over untieing my skates and he tried to kiss me. Most. Awkward. Ever.  I laughed and just looked up at him and said, really?  Then, he put the cherry on top of everything.  He smiled, bent towards me, closed his eyes, stuck his tongue out and moved towards my face. Yes. Yes he did. With his tongue sticking out, moving around, coming at me. I didn’t know what to do except push his face away and laugh.  And that was the end of that. I got outta there, and have avoided him since. So, I’ve decided it’s better to stick to older. They may not be working out, but at least most of them know what the hell they’re doing.

Ok, so after this weekend I have to post a brief, but hilarious story!!!

I travelled down to London for my friend’s birthday.  I’ve known this friend for years, so I HAD to get down there!!! and I did.  When I got there, I met his friend, and saw some of my friends from Uni too.  We’re on our way to run some errands for Chad when his friend asks me where I work. I tell her that I’m a Sephora-whora, and she says she also knows someone who works for the company at a location in Toronto, but she doesn’t know which one.  So she tells me her name is Karen.  WELL. Isn’t that interesting. I work with KAREN! Here’s the connection: Kaylee is cousins with Karen’s brother’s (new) wife.  Awesome. As it turns out, Karen’s brother is also a mutual friend of Chad and they would all be meeting up with us later that night.  Perfect.  And so the devious plan takes place. 

Now, Karen’s funny.  She and I can joke. So I knew this was going to be epic.  Karen recently made a comment on one of my pics with my DAD. Something about ‘who’s that handsome guy’ or some shit. Well, let’s keep it in the family KAREN!  So I decide that I’m not going to tell Karen that I met her brother. No.  Here’s what I’m going to do:  I’m going to get a picture with her brother. Proof. (check).  Next, I’m going to come back from London and tell Karen that I’ve met a guy… he’s great, we’ve been texting, yadda yadda yadda.(and I told her brother what the plan was, he was in.)

 And so this is how it goes down at work:

I see Karen, she asks me about being in London. I play innocent… ‘yeah, I was in London, why?’  Well, she tells me that her FAMILY’S from London. Go figure!?  So, she asks me why I was there, where I went, what we did. Did I have fun?  Well, my dear, as a matter of fact, I DID have fun.  Oh, and I met a great guy.  Her interest is sparked… So I tell her, yeah I met this super cute guy, we exchanged numbers, we’ve been talking… he’s really sweet, a little short for me, but what the heck? (LOL poor Karen).  So she then starts telling me how, ‘oh ya, these guys are good guys… decent guys.’  But then I say ‘ya, but I mean, he’s from London, how far can it really go?’  … to which she responds ’ well you never know, some of these guys are just looking for a way out… an excuse to come to Toronto’ …  So she’s primed.  I’m sitting in the back at work on my lunch break, and oh I just HAPPENED to have my camera with me. And, oh, Karen did you want to see a picture of him?  OF COURSE SHE DID!  So she comes over, and I flip to the picture:  She takes a moment. Then a split second later she realizes.  and she screams, with her hands crossing her heart as though she’s about to have an attack:  THATS MY BROTHER!!!!  OH MY GOD THAT’S MY BROTHER… followed by ’ HE’S MARRIED ‘   …. I couldn’t hold it together. I was in hysterics, Karen was beyond confused. It was EPIC AMAZINGNESS.  After we  all calmed down I explained the whole back story. We asked her what was going through her head when she saw the picture:  OMG he likes blondes. and Homewrecker.   AHAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHHAAAAAA…. sorry sweetheart, but you’ve been PUNKED!!!!!  ohhhh yaaaaaaa!!!! :)

One evening this past summer I was walking home from work.  On my way, I passed Church Street… it was blocked off and some sort of festival seemed to be going on. Of course I had to check it out, so instead of taking my usual short cut to get home, I detoured.  Big Mistake.  As I’m walking down the street, things get interesting. First, I walk by a group of ripped men wearing leather pants and dog collars… each one on a leash with an ‘owner.’  Next, I stumble across a street performer in a pleather speedo on stilts rockin out to some jam.  People are roaming all around me in some freaky shit… usually including leather of some sort.  That’s when I see the banner: Fetish Festival.  Aweseome.  I’m probably the only normally dressed person on the street. But whatever, who doesn’t need a spectacle from time to time right?  So I keep walkin down Church. A man, approximately 500lbs, walks by me dressed in a cloth diaper, with a soother in his mouth, a baby-type hat on and a blankey over his shoulder. Nothin else. Yes, I saw his breasts and hairy stomach.  At this point I had seen enough. I thought, ok time to get outta here.  As I approached the next side street that I was going to turn down, a very tall black man walked past me and stared into my eyes. Hmm. It was a fleeting moment, but it gave me a really weird feeling.  So I turned down the street (don’t worry, it wasn’t an alley or anything lol) and just kept walking. For some reason I had the urge to look over my shoulder.  I did.  The guy that gave me the stare down was about 20ft behind me.  Now, that’s odd.  He had walked past me, and past the street.  But, let’s not jump to conclusions, I was telling myself.  Maybe he was just on his way home. Maybe he had just walked around to check things out like I had and now he was heading somewhere else. Right?  So, me, being a keener, decide to ‘lose him’ …. I started walking faster. Walked down a couple different streets.  He stayed behind me. I felt like a fugitive. I even got a crosswalk when it was down to a few seconds remaining, only to look behind at him running through the same one. Ok. Now that’s weird.  I ran to cross to the other side of the street.  He stayed on his same side for a while, then he switched to my side.  I got to a grocery store and thought, ok I’m gonna go in a lose him.  I approached the door, could see him in the reflection behind me, tried to open it. Closed.  Too bad for me. So I literally ran down the sidewalk and he just kept following me.  I had plans to meet up with a girlfriend that night, and she had a car so I called her. I was getting really close to my house by this point, but didn’t want him to know where I lived. So she said that she wasn’t that far away, to just keep walking and she’d come pick me up asap. I got to a corner, managed to hide in some bushes when he wasn’t looking. Literally. And stood there watching him at the corner looking around astounded. He had lost his prey.  He actually stood there for a good 5 mins looking around confused. I was shaking.  He then turned around and headed back towards Church street and his own kind.  My friend picked me up a minute later, proceeded to drive by him, note that “holy shit he is a big mother” and yell “STAAAAAALLLLKKKKKKEEEERRRRR” out the window.  Ahhh safety of 4 wheels and a gas pedal. :)

I once went on a date with a Mexican. Badumbump ssccchhhh.  (that’s the punch line).

Just kidding!

So I met up with this guy. In his pics he looked handsome, tall, olive complexion, straight teeth… you know, the usual.  So I make it clear before meeting up with a guy from an online set-up that I don’t feel comfortable with the awkard hugs or handshakes. Lets just meet up like two normal people and grab a drink. Simple, right? Well, when I meet him he makes an extra point of noting how “Oh, we won’t hug because that’s awkward” in an uber sarcastic voice.  Great, a wise guy, although he was cute… minus totally balding, which was not depicted in the pictures.  Anyways we go in, mind you he’s suggested the place… it’s a swanky little martini bar. His first option was to take me to Panorama. If anyone knows Toronto, you know that Panorama is a fancy bar on the top of one of the tallest buildings in the city… this is NOT a first date location. This is an ‘I want to propose’ spot. Seriously. I veto-d that choice, so he chose this place instead.  We sat down, he decided to order my drink for me *ahem chauvinist ahem*  and we start in on the chit-chat.  I learn quickly that this guy is a meggga weirdo.  His sarcasm is rude. He’s not funny. He’s very uncomfortable and awkward. Numerous times he talked about how guys in Canada don’t know how to be gentlemen, and chivalrous. He said that back ’home’ in Mexico the men knew how to treat ladies. Then, he attacked my career choice. Saying that I must be such a vain person because my career focuses soully on someone’s appearance, and outward beauty. HOLD UP. Now things get a bit heated. I argued with him that that comment was offensive. That I’m not a shallow person, and I think there’s serious merrit in what I do, and how my ability to enhance someone’s features is empowering… not vain. UGH.  Well, at one point he cut me off and says ” Make your point, woman “  … WHO DID HE THINK HE WAS!? Seriously, I think the expression on my face said it all. I was beyond shocked and disgusted. I finished my drink and was ready to go. So he wanted to walk me to where I would take the bus. Fine.  I was walking on the side of the sidewalk closest to the street. He dashes behind me, and I jumped- out of fear- and I asked him what he was doing. He ends up on the other side of me walking closest to the cars.  He looks at me and says ‘it’s disgusting that you’re even asking me what I’m doing.’  Apparently, I didn’t know how to recognize a gentleman. Because, according to him, gentlemen always walked on the side of the street with the cars to protect the lady. Alright, don’t get me wrong. I like a guy who’s a sweetheart; a gentleman, but this was just TOO much. It was an act. It was awkward, and upredictable, and forced. I thought our feelings of DIS-interest were mutual, based on his rude sarcasm.  So anyways, he walks me to my stop and I just said, well, you don’t have to wait for me… I’m ok.  (note, there was one other guy waiting there as well). He looks at me, and with a raised voice, brinking on yelling says “OK FINE SARAH, AND I WON’T HUG YOU EITHER BECAUSE THAT WOULD BE AAAAAWKWARD, RIGHT!?”  and then walks away quickly. I just stood there with a smile on my face, looked at the other guy who was now staring at me wide-eyed and simply said “bad date,” to which he laughed and replied, “no kidding.” 

Now, I thought I had heard the last from Old Elpaso so I immediately deleted his number. (I really have to get better at keeping these numbers around). The next day I have a missed call from a number I don’t recognize… at this point it could be any of the guys I’ve dated, so I don’t call back.  It calls again that evening. I answer with suspicion. It’s Old Elpaso and it’s not mucho fun tonight! He first accuses me of not knowing who was calling *caught but denied* then he tries to have a convo with me. What was I doing, how was my day… I said I was tired. He calls me a baby. ooook. Time to call it a night. I hang up. Next day I get a txt from him asking ” is the big baby tired today!? ” … ew.  Didn’t respond. Get a few more txts from him. Finally one that asked why I wasn’t responding… to which I just replied “this doesn’t work for me, all the best”  and a final one from him saying something along the lines of………….. “well, sarah, it was a pleasure meeting you and I wish you nothing but the best for the future” — I’m sorry, what? That was the nicest thing he had said to me since I met him.  Who was that person? And why didn’t I meet HIM!? ugh.

A date. One guy, one girl. Smiles, small talk. The reality: One girl, one odd guy. Smiles, awkward small talk.  I found yet another extremist.  Apart from being gorgeous, having straight teeth, and being 6’4, this guy was a nightmare. 

Starting a new year ‘new expectations, and new goals in life has cleared my ‘dating’ mind.  No longer will I waste time on ‘maybe.’  It’s either a yay, or a nay in my books… no more kidding myself. Pre-‘11 me would have probably given this guy a few chances. Post ‘10 me will not.

The details: We start talking about work, family, etc. He’s not from Toronto, so he proceeds to talk about how much he hates this city, the province for that matter, and wants to move out west to BC asap. Wow, how’s that for a glass of cold water in the face?  Well, ok, let’s work with this, I think to myself. Why exactly would you want to move out to BC?  He says it’s obvious, the people are nicer, the atmosphere is more laid back, and it’s more beautiful.  Granted, I’ve never been out West, and I’m sure they’re nice people, I still get my back up when someone wants to trash a city that I’ve grown to love and call home. So we hash it out.  Well, I made a comment about a family member moving from BC back home recently… he was stunned: why would someone ever move back here? I tell him for the simple reason that his family lives here, and he just had his first child. Makes sense right?  My date was horrified. He assured me that was the very reason he would move to BC… to be away from family that would be too intrusive and over-bearing.  I’m ready to call it : ‘Check Please!’ … but it gets better. I decide to change topics.  He mentioned that he had been sober for 8 years when he ordered his Coke… and I was a bit curious about it. So I brought it up. He then told me the reason he’s sober is because one of his best friends had a drinking problem in his early 20s and couldn’t quit on his own, so my date decided to quit with him and he hasn’t had a drink since. (suspicious, I know) He then also mentions: ‘I’ve been off fast food for 8 years.’  and ‘I’ve never smoked’ and then the one that left me speechless: “and I’ve been off gum for 12 years” Yes. Yes he did say gum.  I looked confused. I thought maybe ‘gum’ was some sort of drug word that I wasn’t aware of. Maybe crack was now called ‘gum’ ?  So I asked him, with a laugh stuck in the back of my throat (or maybe just stuck behind the piece of gum in my mouth lol), ‘are you talking about chewing gum?’  and he assured me that yes, he was talking about chewing gum. He had been ‘off chewing gum for 12 years’ Is that not obscene?  I asked him why, while laughing in hysterics… I couldn’t hold back. And he told me that when he was a teen, his dentist told him to stop chewing gum because it was bad for his own gums… and apparently he researched it and the dentist was right, go figure. So from that day he hasn’t chewed a piece of gum.  WOW. I felt like telling him to let his hair down and chew a piece of bubble gum. Instead, I decided: “Check Please”  and that was the end of that.  I don’t intend on seeing him again.